Warning Signs of Domestic Abuse

Warning Signs of Domestic Abuse

Source is from http://www.hiddenhurt.co.uk

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Many people who have suffered abuse often wish that they had known the warning signs
of Domestic Abuse so that they could have refused to begin a relationship with
someone or so that they could have escaped from their partner, boyfriend,
girlfriend, husband or wife sooner.

I have suffered Domestic Abuse myself! I wish I had known these warning signs when I was in my relationship so that I could have got out sooner!

Please also remember, not every abuser shows every single sign! Some do not reveal these signs until later on in the
relationship. Some only show one or two signs. However, the more signs that are
shown in the abuser, the greater the abuse will be and as time goes on the abuse
will get worse until they totally dominate and control their victim!


Bare in mind that anyone can suffer Domestic Abuse and anyone can be a
aomestic abuser! It does not not matter whether you are male or female, young or
old.

Also remember that abusers will often try to explain the reason for
why they are behaving in an abusive manner. Often the reasons will be stress at
work, it's the victim's fault for provoking them, there are financial problems,
tiredness, etc. THERE IS NO EXCUSE FOR DOMESTIC ABUSE! DO NOT SUFFER IT OR TRY
TO COPE HOPING THAT THE ABUSE WILL STOP! IT WILL NEVER STOP!

Please understand that I am not a counselor! I have no qualifications in dealing with
Domestic Abuse! I am just someone who has been there and experienced it. I just
want to spread the word! Please help spread the word with me! This post may even
save lives! Did you know that two people are killed every week by their current
or former partner in England and Wales?

If even just a handful of people recognise these signs and act on this information, then this post will have done it's job!

Here are the warning signs and abusive indications of someone
who is or likely to become a Domestic
Abuser.


JEALOUSY

"Jealousy is only natural when people are in
love!" NO IT ISN'T!
An abuser may start to show signs of being possessive
and overly interested to the extreme in your day to day activities, whereabouts
and social interactions. An abuser may begin questioning you, however intensely,
about who you have spoken to or seen during the day. An abuser may start
accusing you of flirting, having an affair or may even call you names like
'Whore', 'Slapper', 'Slut' or 'Slag'. An abuser may start to show signs of
jealousy even when you spend time with your family or your friends. These signs
may even start to extend to any time you spend with your children or even any
hobbies or activities that do not include the abuser. As time goes on the abuser
may begin to call you more and more to check up on you or turn up out of the
blue. An abuser may start asking friends or work colleagues about your
whereabouts, you may find yourself being pressured to give up work or find that
you are not allowed to get a job. An abuser may frequently check your text
messages, phones calls you have made and phones calls made to your phone. An
abuser may open your letters, check your emails or check any social networking
accounts that you may have. You may also find yourself being isolated more and
more away from your family and friends due to the abuser demanding more and more
of your time, complaining that you spend too much time with family and friends
or even pressuring you to stop seeing them for one reason or
another.
JEALOUSY IS NOT A SIGN OF LOVE! IT IS A SIGN OF CONTROLLING
BEHAVIOUR AND POSSESSIVENESS.



CONTROLLING BEHAVIOUR

An
abuser will never admit to being controlling. They will try to use any excuse to
cover up the fact that what they are doing is controlling behaviour. The
favourite excuse is that the abuser is "concerned" for you and is just looking
out for you. Such as being concerned for your safety. An abuser will begin to
take up more and more of your time by demanding or putting pressure on you. The
abuser will begin making more and more of the decisions regardless of what you
say, think or how you feel. An abuser may be angry if you are late or don't
arrive on time. An abuser may interrogate you as to your whereabouts, who you
have spoken to, what conversations you have had or even why you went somewhere
or did something without telling the abuser, asking the abuser first or
involving the abuser. You may find yourself being criticised by the abuser for
things such as the clothes your are wearing, the style of your hair and even the
things you enjoy or like. As time goes on you may even find that you no longer
have control over your clothing, the home or how you spend your money. You may
even find that you have to ask permission first before you can go somewhere, see
family or friends or spend any money. An abuser may even become angry if you
make any wrong or bad decisions.
BEING CONCERNED FOR PEOPLE WE LOVE IS
NORMAL BUT CONTROLLING PEOPLE IS NOT ACCEPTABLE!


BEING FORCED,
PRESSURED OR RUSHED INTO THINGS

Many victims of abuse will have dated or
known their abuser for less than six months before being pressured, forced or
rushed into commitments such as engagement, marriage or living together. Other
major commitments that a victim may be forced or pressured into are things such
as loans, mobile contracts, buying a car, joint bank accounts, Buy Now Pay Later
contracts, etc.
An abuser may say things like "I fell in love with you the
moment I saw you", "We are soulmates", "We are made for each other", "We are a
couple and that's what couples do" or "I have never loved anyone so much" when
really you have known each other for a short amount of time. This overwhelming
proclamation of love is often shown prematurely and before the relationship has
reached the appropriate stage. This means the abuser is desperate to make
commitments and will therefore pressure you or force you into those commitments
before you feel ready. An abuser may also try to make you feel guilty for not
making a commitment or accuse you of not wanting to make a commitment.
Other
things you may be pressured into or forced into is sex or sexual activities that
you are not ready for or do not want to do.
You may also find that if an
abuser has a child or children from a previous relationship they may expect you
to perform parental duties and responsibilities and treat their child or
children as if they were your own even if you have only been together a short
while or only see the child or children occasionally.


EXPECTATIONS
THAT ARE UNREALISTIC

You may find yourself expected to be perfect in
every way and being criticised if you are not. An abuser may expect you to be a
perfect boyfriend/girlfriend, husband/wife, mother/father, etc. The abuser may
be dependent on you to fulfil their needs. This means you may be expected to
provide for your abuser emotionally, practically and financially.



ISOLATION

An abuser may try to stop, prevent or reduce your
social interaction. You may find yourself being prevented from spending time
with your friends or family or find that your abuser demands that you only go
places together. You may find yourself being accused of not wanting to be in the
relationship or of not being willing to commit to the relationship. An abuser
may belittle or even show hatred towards your friends and family. The abuser may
accuse your friends and family of trying to come between the two of you.
An
abuser may also restrict your use of a car, phone or prevent you from working or
gaining qualifications.


BLAME

An abuser will never accept
responsibility for anything. The blame will always be placed on someone else,
especially you. No matter what the problem or situation is they will never admit
their own wrong-doing. Therefore an abuser will blame anyone, their boss,
mother, friends, the children or you.
An abuser will always insist that your
behaviour and attitudes are to blame and that you are the cause of their anger
and abuse. An abuser may say things like, "you make me mad", "you're making me
angry by not doing what I ask" and "I would not be angry if you didn't/did ..."



HYPERSENSITIVITY

Most abusers are very easily insulted,
angered or upset. They may say that they are 'hurt' when in actual fact they are
angry. They may even take unrelated comments as personal attacks. They may also
twist, exaggerate or overanalyse comments. They may see things like having to
work overtime, being undercut or tailbacked while driving or fines as personal
injustices and may even retalliate. An abuser may criticise your preferences if
they differ from theirs or consider you to be criticising their preferences by
differing from them.


ANIMAL CRUELTY

An abuser may show
excessive or brutal acts of cruelty towards an animal. They may well be
indifferent to the animal's pain and suffering. They may also show neglect in
caring for the animal to the point of cruelty for example not grooming the
animal, not feeding the animal, not feeding the animal appropriate food or
leaving them in areas the abuser knows will cause suffering and distress. There
is a strong correlation between cruelty to animals and domestic violence. This
may well be a show of dominance meant to intimidate! It may well be a show of
total control! For example, the animal abuse is how the abuser will treat you if
you disobey them or the abuser may see themselves as doing you a favour by
taking their anger out on an animal instead of you!


CRUELTY TO
CHILDREN

The abuser's expectations of their partner will often be
mirrored in their attitude toward children. An abuser may view children as
'small adults' and blame the children for not being responsible, having common
sense or understanding. An abuser may expect children to be capable of things
far beyond their ability, for example they may become excessively angry with a
two-year old for wetting their pants, being sick or waking at night. As a result
they will punish the child to the extreme for their 'naughtiness'. An abuser may
tease children until they cry or punish children way beyond what would be
considered appropriate.
Abusers often want all your attention to themselves
and they will resent any time you spend with anyone else, including your
children. Again, there is a very strong link between Domestic Violence and Child
Abuse.


SEX

An abuser may put pressure on you or force you to
have sex. They may also try to pressure you into forceful or violent acts during
sex. You may find yourself being pressured into sexual acts that you do not want
to do. They may want to act out sexual fantasies where you are helpless and they
have complete dominance and control. An abuser may show little or no concern
about whether you want to have sex, participate in sexual acts or have
intercourse. They may use sulking, silence or anger to manipulate you. Some
abusers may start sex while you are sleeping or demand sex even when you are ill
or tired. They may also refuse to show any form of intimacy unless you have sex
with them.


GENDER ROLES

An abuser will usually believe in
stereotypical gender roles. A man may expect a woman to stay at home, cook and
clean for him and obey him. He may also see her as merely there to give him sex
whenever he wants it. Male abusers will often see women as being inferior to
men, less intelligent and unable to be a whole person without a relationship.

Female abusers may expect men to provide for them entirely or accuse him of
not being a real man if he shows any weakness or emotion.


VERBAL
ABUSE

This is an important warning sign and one of the easiest signs to
spot. An abuser will say things with the intention of being cruel and hurtful
whether in public or in private. This includes degrading remarks, criticism,
teasing, excessive shouting, swearing at you or dismissing any accomplishments.
Often the abuser will tell you that you are 'stupid' and that you would never be
able to manage without them. An abuser may keep you up all night to sort out any
problems or even wake you in the middle of the night to continue verbally
abusing you. An abuser may even prevent you from leaving a room or the house
while they are verbally abusing you.


DR. JECKYLL AND MR. HYDE
PERSONALITY

It is very rare that an abuser will be constantly nasty,
abusive or violent, whether in public or in private. Often the abuser will have
a public face and a private face. The abuser will appear to be perfectly normal,
charming, helpful, funny and pleasant in public. However in private the abuser
becomes completely the opposite. Sometimes the abuser will seem to be kind and
considerate towards you instead of constantly abusive. This Jeckyll and Hyde
tendency serves to confuse the victim as well as protecting themselves from any
form of suspicion from outsiders. Many victims describe that their abuser had
sudden changes in mood - one minute they would be nice and the next explosive or
hysterical.


ALCOHOL AND DRUG ABUSE

Although drinking and
taking drugs is not a sign of a Domestic Abuser there is a connection between
alcohol and drug use and a higher risk of violent abuse. An abusive person will
often blame the drink or drugs for the abuse. However, an abuser who, knowing
that they will become more violent after drinking or taking drugs, chooses to
get drunk or high, is in effect choosing to abuse.


HISTORY OF
VIOLENCE AND ABUSE

It is rare that abuse or violence is a one-off event.
Sometimes an abuser may tell you that they have hit or sexually assaulted
someone in the past. They may refer to previous relationships and how they
behaved in that relationship. They may even start to make excuses for their
behaviour in previous relationships such as "She made me do it", "She caused it"
or "It was her. She was to blame". An abuser will often shift the blame and not
take any responsibility for their behaviour in a previous relationship. They may
even tell you that it won't happen with you because they "love you too much to
hurt you", "I'd never treat you like that because I care about you", "you love
them enough to prevent it" or "you won't be stupid enough to wind me up that
much". This is denying their own responsibility for the abuse, as well as
shifting the responsibility for the relationship to remain abuse-free on to you.



NEGATIVE ATTITUDES TOWARDS WOMEN

Some male abusers may tell
you that you are different to all the women they have known before and they may
talk negatively and disrespectfully about their previous girlfriends or wives.
Some male abusers may show a lack of respect towards women in general.



THREATENING VIOLENCE

This is any threat of physical force
such as "If you speak to him again, I'll kill you". Some threats may even be
followed up or accompanied with some form of physical contact such as the
abuser's hand around your throat, pinning you against a wall or the abuser
gripping your arm and applying painful pressure. Threats are designed to
manipulate and control you, to keep you in your place and prevent you making
your own decisions. Sometimes an abuser may try to excuse themselves for making
threats by saying that you are being "over-sensitive" or "can't take a joke" for
being upset by such threats. Threats can also include statements such as "If you
leave me, I will kill myself".


BREAKING OR STRIKING OBJECTS

An
abuser may break or destroy your belongings, beat their fists on the table or
chair or throw something at or past you. They may slam or excessive force on
doors. They may punch walls, mirrors, photo frames or pictures. Breaking your
possessions not only is a punishment but also serves to de-personalise you,
denying you your individuality or literally trying to break links to your past.
Beating items of furniture or throwing objects will often be justified by saying
that you wound them up so much that they lost control. This again shifts the
blame for the abuser's behaviour on to you. Breaking or striking objects may be
used to terrorise you into submission.


USE OF FORCE DURING AN
ARGUMENT

This is a major warning sign! It may begin as a push or a shove
at the start of a relationship, but over time this gradually turns into
fullblown beatings. An abuser may physically restrain you from leaving the room,
lash out at you with their hand or an object, grab you by your hair, pin you
against a wall or shout 'right in your face'.


IN SUMMARY

Does
your partner?

... get jealous easily, even without reason?
... become
angry quickly and fly off into a rage easily?
... criticise you, put you down
and accuse you of things?
... always want to know where you have been and
what you have been doing?
... threaten to hurt himself, you or the children
if you do not comply?
... insist on having sex even if you don't really want
to? Or make you perform sexual acts that you do want to do?
... isolate you
by preventing you from seeing family or friends?
... phyically hit
you?
... strike objects in a rage?
... swear or shout at you in public or
private?
... control the money and finances?
... pressure you into
commitment before you are ready?
... expect too much of you?
... call you
names?
... see you are inferior?


IF YOU RECOGNISE ANY OF THESE
SIGNS PLEASE SEEK HELP!

Freephone 24 Hour National Domestic Violence
Helpline
Phone: 0808 2000 247
Email:

helpline@womensaid.org.uk

Broken
Rainbow UK National number for Bisexual, Lesbian and Gay victims.
Phone: 0300
999 5428

IF YOU ARE IN IMMEDIATE DANGER PLEASE CALL 999!


For
more information go to:

http://www.refuge.org.uk
http://www.womensaid.org.uk
http://www.broken-rainbow.org.uk